So after a bunch of troubleshooting I have the alert working now, but the way I had to get it to work is not very encouraging.
I have determined that when you use "trigger the alert if NONE of these conditions exist", you cannot use more than 1 argument within that condition group or it will ignore the entire group. I figured this out by removing all but 1 condition in the "NONE" condition group. So to make my alert work I had to force the "NONE" group to only have 1 argument by turning it into an "ANY" inside of a "NONE". Here's what it looks like now:
Trigger alert when ALL of the following apply:
Node status is equal to down
Trigger alert when NONE of the following apply:
Trigger alert when ANY of the following apply:
Node name contains "abcd"
Node name contains "efgh"
I'm glad to have it working, but there is obviously a bug here. This bug is easy to reproduce, try it for yourself: Create a new alert that alerts when NONE of the following apply: node status = UP, node status = DOWN. This should send an alert out only when a node is neither up nor down, but when you enable it it will alert on every single node in your environment that is up or down.